John Resig: JavaScript's Chuck Norris


Some of the regular #jquery guys have come to the conclusion that John Resig, creator of jQuery, is the JavaScript world’s equivalent of Chuck Norris, so we came up with some ideas and decided to pay homage to him in a blog post.

Note: he might actually be Chuck Norris, we’re not entirely sure.

John Resig: JavaScript's Chuck Norris

  • John Resig has never made a carousel plugin.. when he goes to the carnival, ALL the rides support jQuery.
  • John Resig can kill you with two lines of code. Sure, he could do it with one, but the force of the explosion would cause the universe to collapse into a giant black hole.
  • John Resig’s computer is custom-fitted with a titanium keyboard, because anything less substantial will melt.
  • $("John Resig").position(); returns “everywhere”.
  • When John Resig types $.jump() the console prints “how high?”
  • When John Resig types $.require(), it’s not a request, it’s a threat.
  • John Resig uses UTC() as a setter.
  • John Resig does not $.queue().
  • John Resig scheduled a cron job to run “rm -rf /” sometime in 2012. How the heck did the Mayans know that?
  • The last time John Resig used $.die(), they amended the Geneva Convention to expressly forbid it.
  • John Resig triggers onfocus ALL THE TIME.
  • When John Resig tweets a Digg link, Digg crashes.
  • $("John Resig").length returns “14 inches”.
  • John Resig doesn’t query the DOM, he just glances at it and gets all the elements he was expecting.
  • When John Resig inspects an element, he sees the raw electrons.
  • When John Resig edits his hosts file, he doesn’t need sudo.
  • When John Resig runs scripts cross-domain, they just run.
  • John Resig had to remove the “Caps Lock” key from his keyboard because email recipients were actually going deaf.
  • When John Resig applies a binary function with one argument, it curries itself out of fear.
  • When John Resig pushes to master, git begs for mercy.
  • John Resig doesn’t wait for the DOM to be ready, it waits for him to be ready.
  • When John Resig tests isNaN(), it had better not be a number.
  • John Resig’s commits ignore all post-commit hooks, because John Resig always has the last word.
  • When John Resig has a new Date(), Math.random() is ALWAYS > 0.5.

Do you have any good ones? Post them in the comments!

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